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Title
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Christmas Mumming
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Writer
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Potter, Pip
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The play
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Characters [in order of introduction]
Dame Nation - the Betsy or Man Woman
Jack Frost - male, active
Black Ice - smooth, soft voiced
Fairy Good - glamorous, poised
Father Christmas - portly, loud
Snowman - heavy
Dark Knight - small
Woman Police Constable Ballcock - buxom
Blotto - male, drunken, loud, large purple nose
Tipsy - female, drunken, loud, large purple nose
All
Song [tune: 'Pace Egging']
Here's some jolly mummers
And all of one mind
We're all come a-begging
And we hope you prove kind
Yes we hope you prove kind
And give us some cheer
And we'll come no more nigh you
Until the next year
Dame Nation [singing or speaking]
The first to come in
Jack Frost is his name
You can see him quite clearly
And great is his fame.
Jack Frost [contact audience]
I can whiten your windows
And freeze your hot breath
I look bright and lively
But I'm colder than death
Dame Nation
The next to come in
We know as Black Ice
Quite nasty by nature
And never quite nice
Black Ice [skips around audience, no contact]
I can lie on the ground
So you don't know I'm there
If I catches you out
Then you'd better beware
Dame Nation
Fairy Good comes in next
She's so lovely to see
Her bottom is right
At the top of the tree
Fairy Good
I'm never nefarious
I try to be good
I might blow your fuse
But I won't pinch your pud
Dame Nation
The next is the last
Of our greatest in guise
With handsome red trousers
Without any flies [Where do flies go … etc]
Father Christmas [sack of food props]
Some say I'm St Nicholas
Or else Santa Clause
Or maybe Good King Wenceslas
Father Christmas - applause [urges claps, cheers, etc]
Dame Nation
On winter nights as you may know
The wind do blow both sleet and snow
And so to bolster this poor play
For other mummers we sent away
[minor characters in]
Father Christmas
Expecting only the best of persons
Fairy Good
We hardly could've been sent worse 'uns
Dame Nation
We thought Snowman just the thing
Others
Look out Dame he's going to sing
Snowman [twirling slightly]
We're walking in the air etc [sing] [jokes about peas / eyes / Birdseye etc]
Dame Nation
Old mumming plays all brought a fight
So we said send a Long Dark Knight
Father Christmas
Expecting someone proud and tall
Fairy Good
They sent us this [all join in] coo ain't he small?
Dame Nation
To tell our story was hardly possible
Without the aid of just one constable
So they sent us a WC
Her name is Ballcock
Fairy Good
You need a P!
Dame Nation
I do? Where? Etc
WPC Ballcock
Allo! Allo! What's all this 'ere?
I've got a nose for too much beer
I've also got me a breathalyser
When I show it, it might surprise yer! [flourishes bladder]
All [song, tune Tom Bawcock's Eve, Father Christmas flourishing props]
Chorus
A merry place would you believe
Were [Wiltshire] nearing Christmas Eve
To be there then, who wouldn't wish
To sup on several kinds of dish
Fresh lardy cake as they do bake
Pork sausages and pies
Good barley brew that's malted new
And peas with faggot fries
Chorus
Dame Nation
Our cast is nearly at its end
But hark! A screeching round the bend
Suggest some others may arrive
Fairy Good
That's if the [?...s] stay alive
'Safety First' is not their motto [They're crackers etc]
Blotto [carries tankard]
Ah! 'Seasons Greetings' all - I'm Blotto
All
You can say that again
Blotto
Ah! 'Seasons Greetings' all - I'm Blotto
Jack Frost
He's drunk as a skunk
Black Ice
And just as smelly
Blotto
I've room for liquor in my belly [Tipsy appears]
Ah! There she is my own chauffeuse
Mine's a large one [taps nose]
Others
So is hers! [Tipsy enters, carrying flask]
Tipsy
Hello! I'm Tipsy. I'm his driver.
Father Christmas
Blimey mate! You're some survivor.
Dame Nation
Constable Ballcock, do your duty [WPC Ballcock accosts Blotto]
Blotto
Whassis? The League if Health and Beauty?
WPC Ballcock
Just blow in this, that's my instruction
Before you take in more decoction
Blotto
De - what?
WPC Ballcock
Coction
Tipsy
Liquor [Botto licks WPC Ballcock]
WPC Ballcock
Blow!
Blotto
And blow you too - I've got to go [And when you've gotta go etc]
Dark Knight
I, Dark Knight, will stop you short
Snowman
By my snowballs, you'll be caught
Black Ice
I shall make you slide and slither
You won't know whether you're hither or thither
Jack Frost
And I shall spread such rime and hoar
You won't know after from before
Dame Nation
Here, Fairy Good, what will you do?
Fairy Good
Oh, I'm too nice to back you up
Father Christmas
Oh 'Good for nothing' are we then?
Fairy Good
Ooh how I hate you horrid men [to Dame Nation, - and you and you]
But stay! I have it! ['Lucky you' etc] Don't despond!
I'll drop the [drunkard] with my wand [strikes Blotto, who falls]
Tipsy
Oh, Blotto, sir, you're down[after trying to dose Blotto]. You're dead
I'll drive for Santa Claus instead
He's got enough in there to pay me [peers into sack]
Faher Christmas
Away, you toss pot!
Tipsy
Ooh - you slay me ['Geddit'? etc]
Father Christmas
He needs no rest but restoration
Another song is meet, Dame Nation
All [song, tune 'Way down to Lamorna', after Cyril Tawney]
Chorus
It was down in our town square
I never shall forget
The frost was bright as diamonds
And the evening turning wet [wet, wet]
I saw a loaded car come screeching round the corner
Skid right and left in a deep snow drift
Don't say we didn't warn yer
[Three verses - optional, see notes]
Blotto [raising head]
What brings me round - a heavenly choir? [he is splashed from tankard by Fairy Good]
Fairy Good
Come on, you pratt, stop pulling our wire
Dame Nation
Now we've achieved his restitution
It's time for a special contribution [indicates audience]
Father Christmas
And if you're mobile - stay on the wagon
Set em up [Landlord / waiter / steward] mine's a flagon
All
Song [tune Pace Egging]
Here's some jolly mummers
And all of one mind
We're all come a-begging
And we hope you prove kind
Yes we hope you prove kind
And give us some cheer
And we wish you a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Notes
Performed by Mere Drama Society, Christmas mumming, 1888, 1989.
The script was written by a member of the society, Pip Potter, and is copyright to him, and were provided by Adrienne Howell, Chairperson, 2010.
Optional song verses
Chorus
It was down in our town square
I never shall forget
The frost was bright as diamonds
And the evening turning wet, wet, wet
I saw a loaded car
Come screeching round the corner
Skid right and left in a deep snow drift
Don't say we didn't warn yer
Verse 1
If you go on the booze
And all your sorrows drown
Don't drive a car or ride a bike
At least not through our town
You could really end dead drunk
And I won't be a mourner
Or left alive, never more to drive
Don't say we didn't warn yer
Chorus
Verse 2
I freely will allow
I've known the odd bad shunt
With car and van and bicycle
From back and side and front
If I'd been as a newt
And going like the devil
I wouldn't be here for a drop more cheer
And singing all this drivel
Chorus
Verse 3
So now you've heard this song
Let's have some Christmas cheer
And never lose your presence of mind
To whisky, wine or beer
And though you don't get tight
There's plenty on the loose
Back on the road another pie-eyed load
Could really cook your goose.
Chorus
