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Title
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Mummers' play
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Writer
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Unknown
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The play
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Characters of the Piece
Father Christmas, Valiant Soldier, Royal Russian King and Turkish Knight, Doctor, Jack Vinney
Enter Father Christmas
Father Christmas
'In come I. old Father Christmas,
Welcome or welcome not,
I hop old Father Christmas
Will never be forgot.
Last Christmas Day I turned the spit,
I burnt my fingers and feel on't yet.
The sparks went over the table,
The skimmer beat the ladle,
'Ay, ay,' says the gridiron, 'Can't you two agree?
I am the Justice. Bring them to me.'
A room, a room, sing hey down derry,
I am come this Christmas time to make you all merry.
If there's any offence, I'll go hence,
If not make room for me
And my jolly company.
Come in, the Valiant Soldier.'
Enter the Valiant Soldier
Valiant Soldier
I am the Valiant Soldier bold,
And Slasher is my name,
With my sword and my buckler by my side
I hope to win the game.
Father Christmas
Slasher, Slasher, dossent be too hot,
Before thou knowest who thou'st got.
Valiant Soldier
What grows on Land's End?
Father Christmas
Wheat and rye.
Valiant Soldier
Then there shall be a battle twixt thee and I.
To which first on the ground shall lie.
So mind thy head and guard thy blow:
Mind thy eyes and face also!
Come in the Royal Russian King!
Enter the Royal Russian King
Royal Russian King
I am the Royal Russian King,
I am the Turkish Knight,
And I come from the Turkish land,
And I am bound for to fight.
I don't value thee nor no other man,
Neither English, Dutch, French or Spain,
If any man thinks he can do me harm let his voice ring!
I am the Royal, the Russian King.
Valiant Sailor and the Royal Russian King fight. The Royal Russian King falls.
Royal Russian King
A doctor! A doctor! I really would give five pound
If a good doctor could be found.
Enter the Doctor
Doctor
I will not come for five pound.
Royal Russian King
What will you come for then?
Doctor
I will come for ten pound.
I am a doctor, a doctor good,
And with my hand I can stop the blood.
I have cured in England, I have cured in Spain.
And I am come to old England to cure again.
Valiant Sailor
What can'st thou cure more than any other man?
Doctor
An old magpie with the tooth ache.
Valiant Sailor
How dost do that?
Doctor
First I twist off his head,
Throw his body in the ditch,
Then chop him up as small as flies,
And send him to France to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold,
Mince pies in the pot nine days old.
Come in Jack Vinney
Enter Jack Vinney
Jack Vinney
My name's not Jack Vinney.
Doctor
What's your name then?
Jack Vinney
My name's Mr Vinney, a man of land and property.
Doctor
Come in then Mr Vinney.
Jack Vinney
Here come I, that's not been hit,
With my great head and little wit;
My head so big and wit so small,
But I'll endeavour to please you all.
As I went up along a straight and crooked lane I saw a pigsty tied to an elden bush. Built with apple dumplings and slated with pancakes. I knocked at the maid and out came the door. She asked me if I could eat half a pint of ale and drink a crust of bread and cheese. I said - 'No thank you, Miss!' but meant 'Yes, if you please!'. So she brought me out a cold leg of nothing and no taters and that's where I got my big belly. I went on a little further and there I saw two old women a-sifting tobacco. One threw a piece through a cast iron platter and beat the bottom out, and another flung a piece through a ten foot wall and injured a poor, dead dog. I had massy on that poor, dead dog and I turned him slap dab inside outwards and sent him to Buckland Hill backwards a-barking.
All dance
